Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.