It’s ok that I have not found my soulmate yet. Half of the married people here have not either
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*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school