Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.