Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

what could possibly go wrong?

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis