“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
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3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”