“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
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[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]