Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?