“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
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Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Happy Star Wars day!
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation