“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
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me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.