It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
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They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
LOL
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.