It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
me 2 months after i graduated
Venn
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously