It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
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I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once