It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Ugh
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
no refunds
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.