It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!