It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”