It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
no
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.