It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
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Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.