It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
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I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I think I’ll stand
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I fixed it. For me
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’