Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

584.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do