It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

- @QwertyJones3

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“They say penguins can’t fly. Can’t? Or never got the chance?” I whisper in the penguin’s ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.


me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop


The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.


Losing weight

– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried


Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy


Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.


Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.


Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?


Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though


“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.