@QwertyJones3

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

- @QwertyJones3

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@rolldiggity

“They say penguins can’t fly. Can’t? Or never got the chance?” I whisper in the penguin’s ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.

@Skoogeth

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

@FrizerkaSandra

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

@KielyHealey

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

@TheAlexNevil

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

@realHamOnWry

Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.

@kylekinane

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

@ElliceRocks

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

@audipenny

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

@TravLeBlanc

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.