It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
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Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Goodnight 🐶
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
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