It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
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I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
😭😭😭
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]