Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway