Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?