It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
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Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?