It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“You drive, I’m tired.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana