@ABurgerADay

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

@EwdatsGROSS

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

@Jarhead44

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

@FeelingEuphoric

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

@Chhapiness

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

@ChickenFrecklez

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

@Love_bug1016

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

@mydmac

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

@DaddyJew

How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?

@ronnui_

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore