wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
By the age of 20 you should have
1. $10 in your account
2. a bad relationship story
3. a knee pain
5. back pain
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Publisher: did you finally finish your book about what clocks measure
Me: yes it’s done
Publisher: it’s about time
Me: i know, i wrote it
I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.
Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*