@ABurgerADay

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

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@pilau

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

@Jerrypleasure

By the age of 20 you should have

1. $10 in your account

2. a bad relationship story

3. a knee pain

4. anxiety

5. back pain

@Social_Mime

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

@oakhillbargrill

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

@rudy_mustang

Publisher: did you finally finish your book about what clocks measure

Me: yes it’s done

Publisher: it’s about time

Me: i know, i wrote it

@TheDailySchmuck

I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.

@Ygrene

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”