Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore