my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering ‘what did I say the last time you asked?’ is unwise, apparently.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.