It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.