It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher