Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

How to find Kentucky on a map

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids