It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
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[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand