It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
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Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.