It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
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Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
best review i’ve ever seen
Ah yes. The three genders
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.