It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
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Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
This is a true ally.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby