It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
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Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy