It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
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in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
where the womens at?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.