It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
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“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
he’s doing your taxes
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.