Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

LOL

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.