It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
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A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
