@NikiWithIssues

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

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@ArfMeasures

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

@UnFitz

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

@sportswithjohn

Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.

@DelanieFischer

People who don’t have a name for their newborn,

What the shit did you do for 9 months?

@Goofpoops

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

@daemonic3

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

@Dee_Aye_Bee

*getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You’ll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It’s here.

@notfaizzy

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

@DallyDoll

I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don’t care. She’s not my real aerobics instructor.

@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.