It’s on my to-do list.
You Might Also Like
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle