It’s on my to-do list.
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BRO LMFAO
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.