It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
You Might Also Like
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Just a friendly reminder!
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”