“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I’m holding off buying a robot vacuum, until my robot is filthy.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important