Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Morning.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas: