It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
a lot to unpack here
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
no their not
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.