Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.