It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
You Might Also Like
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me recordaron éste meme
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…