It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
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I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
The first matador
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
