It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
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Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.