It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
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I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
