Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

*Seductively hides in the woods

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

So many pants.
So little yoga.