It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.