It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
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[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*