It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
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Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
What my back needs
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story