It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
he’s doing your taxes
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
me: my friends:
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
lmfao come on
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually