it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
No one can handle that
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”