Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.