Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

i spent way too long on this

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩