it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
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WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
British websites use biscuits.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.