It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I can’t stop watching this.