It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I get distracted pretty eas
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean