It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?