It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.