Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

A completely valid reaction tbh

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”