Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Just why bro?!

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

Straight people are cancelled

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen