Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.