It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
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her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.