It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
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tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
