It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
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the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Don’t tell me what to do
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.