Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

This anagram machine is out of order.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy