It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
#math
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